Still Here

Well I thought I was not going to use this blog anymore, but maybe I've changed my mind. I ran across it today and decided that I just can't throw it away. The very first entry I made on this site was before I was injured. I just don't feel like letting go of that for some reason. I can't really explain it, but I would just rather keep it for sentimental reasons I guess. It is really interesting to see myself after a long time away from this site. After reading a few posts, I was flooded with many memories, some good, some not so good. From the day I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have refused to admit that I have any issues with all that I've been through. After reading some of these posts, it is pretty clear that maybe I was wrong. Between my last post here, and now, I have reluctantly admitted that I may have a "couple" of issues, but it isn't all that bad. Anyway I have a host of new issues that really eat at me. Mostly to do with the state of our nation and government, and my feelings on Foreign Policy, blah, blah, blah. But right now, I don't feel like getting into all that crap. Maybe later? I'll just use this post to say that I'm back online, and I'll be blogging away about all sorts of things you probably don't want to hear anyway. I'm doing good, the family is great, we're going on a short vacation soon, and the new job is really good, in spite of all of it's ups and downs. I do regret taking a job working for the "Governator of Kaleeforneeyah" but the pay started out better than the Army, barely. Now with 15% less, it is making me re-think the Re-Enlistment approach. If I end up one of the "lucky" ones who were hired and then told, oops sorry, we can't afford to keep you, the military may be the only viable option for me. With the economy in shambles and getting worse, finding a worthy job that supports a large family is more difficult than ever. But for now, I'm just going to ride the wave of insanity and hope that I can escape by the skin of my teeth as I often seem to be able to do. But for the grace of God, go I.

Stress and Humor

So I think one way to look at stress, when you CAN look at it objectively without being consumed or overwhelmed by it, is to see that it is kind of like fire is to the sword. It burns, but it makes you stronger. I am one of those who can easily be turned negative under enough stress. I often resort to a "Direct Leadership Style" and become snappy and profane. I can be demanding and down right "Un-Fun." It takes a lot of patience and understanding on my part to control such foolish tendencies, and yes, I am constantly struggling. When I notice that I have become rather negative, and it begins to way on my conscience, I generally try to rethink how I look at things. Yes, sometimes I am negative and I don't care. Sometimes I WANT to be snappy and directing. But I generally can't do it for long without feeling guilty. (Necessary times of life and death situations aside.) I don't like making others feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. I wouldn't want to be treated with any form of contempt or disregard and I don't feel others should be treated that way by me. Especially kids, they can hang on to harsh statements and feelings for a really long time. They seldom understand why someone might act in such a manner. So I try to find humor in the struggles, and I also like to look around for someone who needs help. Also the only kids I treat harshly are my own, because they understand the nature of military discipline and they also know that I "Direct" and don't condemn or belittle. One of my boys told me an old joke. I know, it's rather lame, but I couldn't help but laugh because I was contemplating my negativity and general viewpoint at the time.

A young man, distraught and full of stress goes to see his psychiatrist. He informs the doc about these weird dreams he's been having. "Doc, I'm really confused, one night I had a dream I was a tepee, the the next night I had a dream that I was a wigwam. What am I supposed to make of these dreams doc?" The doc ponders for a fews moments then leans forward and says, "Son, relax, you're just two tents."

The wisdom of kids. I really have to stop over thinking this stuff and trying to figure it all out on my own.

New Church

Well we have finally begun to settle in at our new home. It is just the right size for a family our size. There is enough room for everyone to find a place to go without feeling crowded. There is also plenty of room outside for the kids to run and play without us having to worry if they will be hit by traffic or get caught up in some kind of trouble. We have been attending a new church the first time was on Father's day. It was a pretty good service. Considering that it was Father's day, Pastor Buck talked about fathers and how they are an example to their families, good or bad. He gave examples of how his was a not so good example, and that in spite of circumstances such as that, you can still choose your own way. I connected with that particular sentiment. I too had a bad example, and I have chosen to take it as an example of what not to do. If I were to state where I have recieved the most education, it would be between the Army, and the tremendous grace and patience of my wife. The new church is interesting. They have a program for everyone. They are much more expressive and emotional than I will ever be. The music is good. I have played a couple of times, and they want me to play some more. The worship team is really big, the rehearsals are really professionally executed. I feel like I'm playing professionally, which means I really have to get to work on getting back to a professional level of playing. And I thought I was going to be able to relax and sit in the back, LOL.

Life...

Today I was driving in the car and came to an intersection. There was road construction and a man was directing the rather large amount of traffic that was accumulating. It was taking him some time to get to my side of the intersection when all of a sudden, the car quit running because it had begun to over heat. Naturally, this was right when he was signalling me to make my turn. I could not get the car to start again, and I turned on the hazzards and signalled to the man directing traffic that the car was dead as I waved the cars behind me around. Now at first glance you might think this would be rather frustrating, but the chain of events that happened next are amazing, yet most would probably overlook them.

Most might get angry at this point. Some may get embarrased. Others may look to the Heavens and ask God for some devine intervention and maybe some help. Generally, I would do all of the above and probably in that order. But for some reason I didn't. I still don't really know why.

First, I gave thanks to the lord for making my day interesting and challenging. I just felt that this really wasn't that big of a deal for some reason. I looked up and noticed that a young man was looking in my direction as if to see if I needed help. I nodded to him in the affirmative as I got out. As he got out of his car, I noticed that he had a short hair cut, walked with authority and curled fingers. He was a Soldier. The Modern Army PT shirt was also a dead giveaway. I said hey brother, How are you? He just said let me give you a hand and jumped behind the car. As I was looking around to see where I should try and put this thing, he suggested that I ask the man directing traffic to hold everyone while we push it out of the way. We started pushing at the nod of the director, who also joined in and helped. As We picked up quite a bit of speed, the young man suggested I jump in and try and start it. Wouldn't you know it, the car fired right up, I jumped in and gave a wave and yelled thanks out the window as I drove on down the road. A simple life issue, small and yet profoundly impacting. I wish I would have gotten his name.

The Lord meets you where you're at when you NEED him, not always when you WANT him to. Than GOD for that!

Cars and Freedom

So I've had some issues with vehicles lately. My wife and I currently have 5 cars we are responsible for right now. One is totaled, the other which was given to us has a blown engine, which we intend to replace with the one from the totaled car, my truck won't move due to either transfer case issues or transmission issues, the car that was just given to us has a bad fuel pump which will cost a minimum of $360.00 to get fixed, and my wife's truck which is working just fine, but is very gutless. We are lucky to get over the mountain at about 40 mph. I know how to work on cars, but I hate it. I am more knowledgeable than my tools can equip, and there always seems to be problems that arise when you start to take on what would normally be a straight forward job. Top this with our lack of income. We make less than I did when I was on unemployment. I'm working 12 hour shifts, which means that for half of the week I'm either preparing for work, working, returning from work, or sleeping. We are in the negative financially and I am constantly disgusted with the reality that money is the deciding factor on what I can and can't do. I absolutely despise being this limited! We are being forced to deal with ever increasing gas prices that are expected to be at about $5.00 a gallon this summer, and more fees and little thorns that constantly nickel and dime us to death! It's so easy to get caught up in pessimistic bitchyness. I must admit, it's hard to be thankful when faced with all this crap and I'm finding myself wanting to be angry and pissed off at the situation in which I find myself. I keep thinking of that line in the stars and stripes song, "Land of the free and the home of the brave." In my mind I keep thinking, Bullshit! Ignorance is bliss. It sucks to have been outside of our borders to see the truth. We are not very free at all. Our founding fathers got pissed off at tax on tea. They dumped the shit in the water. They refused to stand for it. What the hell would they do now?

New Job

Well I have been out of the Army for a little over a week now, and it still is hard to think about it. I only had 7 more years to go and I would have a retirement. Many people wonder why I quit after the half way mark. I suppose those folks have never been blown up. It just got to difficult to keep leaving, and I was sick of watching good people die. So now what? Well I am going to try out a new job for the county. I really like it, but I'm not sure that I will be able to keep doing it because the benefits are not really family friendly. It is a shame because I really like the people I will be working with and the job itself is really a great job and I think I will like it very much. But for now, I will stick with it and see how it goes. If the pay turns out to be good enough for us, I will tough it out. If not, I will probably try another avenue that pays better and has better benefits, but I don't think I will like that job very much? We will see. My county is the lowest paid in the state by about 24% behind the next highest county. They tried to negotiate a better deal and got thrown a small scrap to shut people up, but it is still nowhere near what it should be. But for me, not everything is about money. I want to do something I enjoy, and helping people is definitely something I enjoy. But I also have a family to think about, so I am torn between what I want to do and what I have to do. I am also a disciplined soldier who is used to doing what I must completely against what I want, so nothing new here. Well lets see if I can keep this thing updated more than just every couple of months?

Who Am I?

Well I had seen this list on Pastor Jason's blog and figured it would give me something interesting to post so here it is. Although by reading it, you won't learn anything real about me, but it is mildly amusing. Anything to push that last negative post to the bottom of the list.





EVERYTHING YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME

Name: Adam W. Skillen
Birthplace: Redding, California
Current Location: Westwood, California
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5' 10"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Both

Your Heritage: American Indian / Irish

The Shoes You Wore Today: Belleville Gortex Desert Boots

Thoughts First Waking Up: Where's my gun? I'm shooting the clock!

Your Bedtime: Don't set patterns, the enemy might figure you out.

Your Most Missed Memory: Yes, I miss my memory very much.

Pepsi or Coke: Root Beer.

Cappuccino or Coffee: Yes

Do you Smoke: My interpretation of "Smoke" and yours are different.

Do you Swear: I am fluent in the art of profanity, yes.

Do you Shower Daily: Nope.

Have you Been in Love: I think I've finally figured out what that is.

Do you want to go to College: No.

Do you want to get Married: No thanks, I'm spoken for.

Do you believe in yourself: Don't think so chuck. But I'm confident.

Do you get Motion Sickness: Only sissies do that.

Do you think you are Attractive: Oh yes. Bombs make you sexy!

Do you get along with your Parents: When they aren't acting like children, sure.

Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes.

Do you play an Instrument: I can make some noise.

In the past month have you been on Drugs: No, but some people swear I'm high.

In the past month have you gone on a Date: Like we have time for that!

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Just this morning I was splitting wood with my favorite maul.

In the past month have you been on Stage: Once or twice.

In the past month have you been Dumped: Not that I know of...

Ever been Drunk: I don't drink like that anymore.

Ever been called a Tease: definitely.

Ever been Beaten up: Yes. But I always return the favor.

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Let's worry about growing up first.

What country would you most like to Visit: Antarctica.

Number of Drugs I have taken: None illegally. But prescriptions have tried to kill me.

Number of CDs I own: I don't want to count those.

Number of Piercings: None... Wait; do bombs to the head count?

Number of Tattoos: None yet.

Number of things in my Past I Regret: The list of things I don't regret is much smaller.